' Home. It feels so good to be back... I left a monarch. Yet I return naked, alone... Hungry. Weakened, I clutch a passing dream... '
Sleep of the Just

Woke up early this morning as I’m at my old-house or as my friends put it; my ‘kampung’. Must be up early or else will get an earful from my parents (…my dad to be exact). Stomach was sooo empty like I haven’t eaten for days. Always been hungry during early mornings and so I took my mum taxi ( ‘Thekancil’ ) and went to ss15 to have some bite. Had nasi lemak, chopped roti canai with curry ‘cos I despise dhal and teh o’ ais. It was RM2.40 and almost 7 in a.m.
Got back home and see whats on the idiot box.aahhh!!! the news --- ‘gangsters in klang blew up houses using Molotov cocktail, another anti-piracy bust at sri petaling, barisan nasional campaign in kuala berang…. Blablablabla.’ Same-old-same-old.
Went upstairs to ‘unleash’ the ‘alien’ inside – was brief. Laid myself in my ‘former room’ and began reading ‘some’ stuff. It’s a habit, must watch tv or read something after and before bed. It was a fascinating material; a friend suggested me to have a look at it but I had more than ‘a look’.
Suddenly, felt the urge to write.
My life of late was so substantial. As a matter of fact; depressingly substantial. There are things that I wanted to do and execute but they aren’t enough support or motivation to do so. Material wise, there are also things that I wanted to buy and own but they aren’t enough ringgit Malaysia left in my wallet. I do miss my regular routine of comic books and movie marathons. And all I can afford is just 4-page-previews of new comics on the net (courtesy of www.comicscontinuum.com) and reruns of my dusty pirated vcd collections.
Maybe this are just testing times for me.
Had a very,very,very long, meaningful, justified, full-of-sentiments, emotional talk with my ‘other-half’ last night (she said ‘sorry’). It is extremely mortifying to say this out-loud to an ‘audience’ but I cant help being so na├»ve when it comes to intimate relationship (she said ‘sorry’). The conversation made me somewhat; delusional and in the end I became … dumbfounded (and this ain’t the first but the many of manys). Put down my cell phone and start to ponder and wonder as usual (she said ‘sorry’).
This is not what I wanted in life right now --- another enigmas of conflicts and self-made problems.*sigh*

' For the hundredth time since I regained it, I reach into the pouch and I touch the sand. I sift it through my fingers. Feel each grain of it, inexhaustible. Endless. Like myself, like the few others of my kind. Endless. Tonight I feel alone. I have always been solitary, but here on the nightward shores of dream, loneliness washes over me in waves, lapping and pulling at my spirit. I sprinkle sand into the waters of night. The grains burn as they fall, reminding me of another in times long passed away. I watched him even then as he fell, his face undefeated, his eyes still proud. It is time for me to walk the abyss. Time to reclaim my own. I must talk to the Morningstar.
I do not have high hopes for the meeting. '
A Hope in Hell

Also met a friend yesterday ( …is it safe to say; a long lost friend? ). Working as a deejay in a local radio station is almost a dream job for her but she says there is more to it than the dream she used to have (dream … just realized that’s an overused but a favorite word of mine). She’s stressed out by other matters too --- a friend who used to understand and comfort her had become ‘un-friendly’, well-drafted plan in life gone awry (she have a court case next month) and other disapproving errands. Cant do anything but listen and being sympathetic.

Note : Life is so imperfect after all.

Returned home late in the evening yesterday and felt restless. Not the ‘usual-usual restless but the ‘usual-unusual’ one. What to do? What to do? Have a quick meal and went straight to my ‘fortress of solitude’ for exile.

‘ In solitude I look at life
From different angles
Thoughts strangled
My mind is suffocating
In this truth quest ‘

‘And as far as friends are concerned
Many I've had it all
From those who cried for my pain
To those who plotted my fall
I learned to differentiate
Fakes from the great
Mates from the snakes ‘

‘ This who I am
Look at the past at times
I wish that I was born again
So I can rectify mistakes
And my wrong doings
Attempts on minimizing my sins
Before my story ends ‘

Johan Ishak / Malik Cairel; ‘Alhamdulillah’

Checked my mails, had a quick view of ‘friendsters’, comic and movie updates,etc…etc. Then, another long lost friend emerges and again felt surprised that I still remember her from the good-old days back in college (masscomm matriculation; to be precise ). She’s in Texas. That’s right : the big U.S of A; working and starting life a anew with her family. Had a short dialogue and stating how she misses her time and space back here in KL.

Note II : ‘hujan emas dinegari oaring, hujan batu dinegeri sendiri’

Now, here I am again sitting in front of my cranky PC ; trying to be better and striving to be right. However; I can sense somehow you already heard this from me before. Dilemma.

' Never trust a demon. He has a hundred motives for anything he does... Ninety-nine of them, at least, are malevolent. '
A Hope in Hell

Wish you all the good things in life.

And some of them spoke, that day; and some of them were silent. But we do not need to recount every sermon and eulogy. After all, you were there. You may have forgotten, in your waking hours, what you heard that day -- But you will remember it, in the soft, lost slumbering moments between waking and true sleep:.. remembering the whispering voices of the gods of earth and heaven... the piping laughter of innocent chaos... the frightened rustling of cold order...
The voices of the living. The voices of the dead.
They will haunt your sleep until you die.
Chapter Three: In Which We Wake
PART I , 9.00PM ; 21st AUGUST 2004, SATURADY. NTV 7