Khamis, Mei 20, 2004

for the ladies out there:
questions every man dreads - and why

Good communication is the cornerstone of any good relationship, but some questions are best kept to yourself ... no?

Picture this. After spending an incredible night together, you're sitting together in the car with your partner and feeling more intimate than ever. The only thing that could make this romantic scene even cosier is talking about just how cosy the romantic scene is. But just as you're about to whisper, 'What are you thinking?' in your partners's ear, you stop. Why?

You're not alone. When it comes to relationships, most couples(... especially women) wanted to know everything that a man is thinking. His secrets are often considered little enemies, capable of tearing the relationship apart. But nothing could be farther from the truth. In fact, it's absolutely necessary for each partner to have his or her own personal world - thoughts, feelings and boundaries that belong to him or her and no one else. So what's a well-intentioned woman to do? Start by avoiding the following questions:

1. Are you attracted to other women?
Don't pry into this. Some women keep asking their man whether or not he is attracted to other women. A man who doesn't look at anyone or feel anything for other women is either very old, very tired or simply lying. There is nothing wrong with a man who looks at and admires other women, as long as he does it discreetly, doesn't make a show of it in front of other people and doesn't use it to make you insecure or competitive with the other women.
Looking at and responding to others doesn't necessarily mean he doesn't find you desirable or is comparing you. Most men fuel their sexuality and fantasies by admiring women. If you ask him to talk about it, not only will it make you nervous, but he might feel embarrassed and exposed as well. He will feel unable to do what he does naturally, without being censured. Enjoy his love for you and leave this one alone.

2. What happened in your past relationships?
Some women become obsessed with finding out everything about their man's past. They need to know if they measure up to ex-girlfriends, if he's as happy with them as he was before and if he's really over a past heartbreak. There's no need to probe any of these issues. You might be especially concerned about what went wrong with your partner's previous relationships. Remember, though, he might have been a very different man then, and he probably learned from his mistakes. Try not to hold his past wrongs against him because chances are he doesn't want to be reminded of them. He doesn't want you to see him in a bad light. Let him be the person he is now. Let him feel good about how he is with you and not dragged through memories of what he did (or didn't do) with other partners. If you let the past be the past, that is where it will stay.

3. Where (or how) do you think our relationship is going?
Many women just can't wait to get around to the 'relationship discussion'. They want to know how their man is feeling about the relationship in general, so they sit him down to get the details. The problem is that this discussion makes many men feel pressured - and restless. This question is pretty vague, and he may not understand what you're actually asking him. For example, is this the precursor to discussing marriage, or do you simply want to know whether he's content with the relationship between you? Of course, a man will have opinions of where the relationship is going, just like women do. The problem is that after being prompted to address a heavily weighted issue like this, some men fear that, depending on how they answer this question, they might be in for an intense, uncomfortable discussion. They could feel judged and criticised, and if this happens too often, it can easily make them drift away. Instead of pinning all of your expectations on a forced discussion, try to keep communication open in the relationship - all the time. That way, you can both express your feelings as they arise, and have them heard and attended to naturally.

4. What are you thinking?
Some women want to make sure that a man is thinking only of them, but this is a very complicated question for a bloke. Although he loves you - and may be very happy with you - it is normal for your man to occasionally to think of 'others'. And it's not because he isn't there with you. This only means that he's making the experience exciting for himself in many ways. Don't probe his secret fantasies unless he wishes to discuss them with you. If he doesn't bring it up, chances are that asking him about it will make him feel criticised, guilty and perhaps restricted. On the other hand, if he does wish to share his fantasies, this can be tricky too. Make sure you can tolerate hearing about what's going on in your man's mind, and remember not to assume he doesn't care about you. It's perfectly acceptable to decide you don't want to hear about these fantasies. Just let him know about your wishes gently, if and when he tries to fill you in.

5.. Do you enjoy being with your friends more than being with me?
Many women become possessive of their man's attention and resentful of time spent away from them. This is particularly true for nights out with the guys. Women want to be included in every activity as proof of their partner's love for them. And if a man is out with his friends, they ask if he enjoyed the time more or less than time spent at home because they secretly want to hear that he did not. Some women even feel threatened when a man is with his family. The fact is your man needs time for male bonding, no matter how much he cares for you. Truly loving him means allowing him to be all of who he is and realising that no matter how much he loves you, he also needs others in his life. The more fulfilled he is, the more he can give to you. The beautiful part of having a healthy relationship is that you are both secure enough in your feelings that you want to see each other happy, no matter who you're with or what you're doing.

i believe this is all useful ... for us.


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