‘ the fortress of solitude ’

… if words are cheap, than this are the cheapest of words

Deep down, just once at least, everyone’s wanted to feel what it’s like to be normal. And I do mean as normal as can be. For me; that feeling is long forgotten.

What is it like being the person you were actually once was? Not being the way you’re now. I had infatuations of not being myself all the time. And now is that time again. A time of whining. A time of sulking . A time of tall tales and soapy snippets. I do apologize for this. And I’m sorry … but this is a story yet to be told.

I see myself of not being myself everyday. And lately, it has gotten worse. Since when this happened??... That I couldn’t tell. I was lost over the course of time. My friends think I’m an absolute joker and always jesting 24-7. My parents gave me the silent treatment whenever I despise their willing; e.g. : my dad ‘ordered’ me to cut off my locks everyday as if I’m a standard 2 schoolchild that needed the ultimate discipline and my mother forbid me from ‘socializing’ with my clicks after 8pm as if I’m her only daughter which needed extra petting. My girlfriend gave up on me because I believe she had already given me too many chances to redeem myself to be a better person and I blew all of them. Hence --- the enchantment and the wonders of my so called ‘ beautiful life ’. And they say life is great.

I don’t know who to be anymore.

They say I’m better this way and they say that I’m better that way. But after a while, they say I’m even worse that way and were better this way. That way, this way, one way or another, there’s no way that I can be whichever way that is the best way a way can ever be.

Anywhere I look, everytime I ponder … and I still see myself as not being myself. Who am I ? What have I become ? Is this the Faizal that I wanted before or is this the Faizal that I wanted after ? betul la agaknya kot bila ada orang kata yang ‘ bukannya senang actually nak jadi orang ’. kalau tak nak jadi org pun tetap sama gak kot. Semua hidupan kat muka bumi Tuhan ni semuanya ada problem. Mana ada makhluk kat alam yang fana ni yang boleh lari atau elak dari dilanggar problem. Tapi kalau difikir2 balik, problem takkan datang kalau tak dicari. Dalam kes aku ni, memang terang2 sangat la aku yang dok carik problem. Gatal sangat. Kurang aktiviti la tu kot walhal banyak lagi program kehidupan yang boleh disusun atur. Bangang gak aku ni kadang2. Kan dah susahkan diri. Bangang!bangang!!seribu kali bangang!!! …

Since kecik, memang aku mengalami krisis identiti atau in englishnya identity crisis; yang memang aku takleh nak define sampai la skarang. Aku sah2 tatau apa nak jadi dan tatau apa nak aku buat ngan life aku. Bukan apa, banyak plan atau angan2 yg aku simpan dari dulu taknahnye jadi. Kalau dah di-execute pun taknah mencapai tahap kepuasan yg optimum. Hampeh je kesudahannya. Tu yg aku lebih senang dengan attitude aku yg serba spontaneous lagi impromptu ini. Tak tau la pulak sampai bila aku nak jadi camni. Tapi untuk informasi bersama, aku takde la selalu sangat hidup tak berperancangan. Ada la masa2 atau time2 tertentu tu yang menuntut aku beretika. Mana boleh main ‘ belasah ’ jer,ye tak? Hidup ini berperaturan … like it or not, ‘ ia sudah pun diatur dan semuanya sudah pun tertulis ’.

Normality was once my specialty. A bold statement I made now but nevertheless, there I was before. Let me take myself down memory lane. It was as far as I can remember. I was a naïve and a vulnerable 7 year old corny but corky kid ( come to think of it, I am still that corny and corky ) .It was primary school. 6 not so long years I have spent. I made contact and I communicate . They were not all good but they were o.k. I cant really say that there weren’t any influence at all in my life at that time but then again, I started to look at life differently once I got acquainted with ‘ people ’. I realize that people tend to be different and they love to contradict one and another. And here we go. And this is also the part where I ironically said : everything else is history.

I had my first best friend, I had my first mortal foe, I had my first love/crush, my first this and my first that. I learnt that life is getting hard everyday once you got to know life. Its like being in a shitty soap opera serial but the plot is far more shittier. Destiny, destruction, desire, despair, delirium and dream. This is what I called ‘ the endless ’ ( … death included ). The seven surreal foundation of life that bears the essence of all mortality.

There is a dark king who rules our dreams from a place of shadows and fantastic things. He is Morpheus; the Lord of Stories. Older than humankind itself, he inhabits --- along with destiny, destruction, desire, despair and delirium; his Endless sisters and brothers, the realm of human consciousness. His powers are myth and nightmare; inspirations, pleasures and punishments manifested beneath the blanketing mist of sleep … surrender to him now.

Neil Gaiman, the Sandman : Preludes and Nocturnes

Secondary school in 1993 wasn’t an exception. I couldn’t say it was my supreme days but slightly stupendous; that much I can recall. This is where I study of renegade, rebellion, revenge, remonstrance, remorse, rampage and rip-roars. The period of my earliest reincarnation begins after this. After my schooling era; lies a time of absolute ultimization unto the real world. A time where I met the ‘ almost – me ’.

The most excellent and extreme of times. 1998 started it all, the revolution of me and the evolution of I. Most of it was UiTM, it holds total responsibility. I met new faces and I found new places. This is the frame where everything in me collides. I cant describe nor define what really happened to my life during my nearly 5 years there. In a word; I was transformed. My ‘ migration ’ is completed. I am no longer normal. I was far from being salvaged. I became different.

I am no longer the Faizal I once knew but I am the Faizal I came to know now.

Fast forward to now. And here I stand in front of me. Facing the man I was doomed to be with; everyday and everytime for the rest of eternity and what left of infinity. This is a cliché : I cant run and I cant hide. Reality bites and it has bitten me so many times until it left a scar so deep and painful that no one even knew how it feels.

I am hurt.

… to be concluded.