Friday, February 25, 2005
Just a couple of things I wanted to post before I forget...
1) I've forgotten most of what I wrote this past few days
2) A few people have recently been asking very similar things – “ Are you in love aaa…? ”
3) I'd been a magazine writer for about two or three months, and had three or four articles rejected from my editor and graphic artist before I decided that it was time to get an inspiration real quick
4) I'm glad I don't have anyone who can scream or yell at me for comments made on this blog. (Actually, thinking about it a bit more, I'm glad I don't have anybody who can be furious me.)
5) It's been an age since I posted a thoroughly mysterious post of some emotional quotation. Ah, well… consider this a thoroughly mysterious post, at least for now.
6) Tend to believe in using things which aren’t very familiar. I like to read books and comics rather than put them in plastic bags, and to hang lovely collectable calendars and stuff like my lady office mates. I'm given on walls decorations a long time ago. Rather put them in dark places to increase in value or just to wait for the very far future to come around again.
7) The only problem with doing lots of things is that you have to start from scratch each time. But that's fun as well.
I lost my phone this morning(on the way to work,my Nokia 3210 of almost 5 years – never had one since 2002 – slipped from my right baju melayu pocket sometime in the train while I was semi-asleep)… get me thru this blog,friendster or my yahoo/hotmail/karangkraf e-mail account.
That’s one way to end a not so very good Friday weekend.
Hari-hari yang tak pernah aku hitung menyuruhmu untuk datang kembali kedalamnya menjadi warna dalam pakaianku yang mulai luntur bersama kekelabuan cahaya.Datanglah seperti kelmarin. Aku goyah hidup tanpa kata-kata yang telah menjadikan aku sebagai pembangkang kebodohan aku.Terima kasih jika mendengar. Jantung yang tak bernadi ini ingin berhutang udara pada mu.Aku akan menatap haru-birunya keindahan dan erti-erti mimpi dalam serangkai doa yang bertaut kedalam mimpi.
Ketika cinta datang mengetuk, lalu pergi ketika pintu dibuka. Apakah harus tetap menunggu untuk yang akan datang lagi? Apakah itu yang dinamakan cinta? Cinta macam apa yang ingin selalu dimahu? Di balik mata seseorang yang sepi kulitnya, terlihatlah cinta. Apa yang telah nampak ternyata hanya ilusi-fatamorgana belaka. Sementara aku selalu merasakan cinta pada kulitku, sehingga mereka ikut terbawa keringat lalu mengering seketika. Apakah itu yang dinamakan cinta? ataukah memang mataku yang belum melihatnya?
Hidup hanya selalu untuk memikirkan cinta. Betapa banyak air mata-hati keluar hanya demi cinta. Sejahat itukah dia?Sampai-sampai manusia telah dan akan merana kerana kecewa olehnya. Lalu untuk apa?Diluar sana banyak debu, yang dibawa tiap kali angin berhembus. Bagiku cinta itu lazimnya: putih, bersih, suci, cantik, tidak berdebu dan jarang dinoda. Adanya cinta didalam sini, kerana disini bebas debu, tiap pagi disapu dan disalut ketenangan. Maka sebutir debu saja akan nampak oleh mata. Kalau begitu untuk apa pergi keluar kalau adanya cinta justeru didalam sini? Mencari cinta diluar, kerana katanya diluar itu indah. Bohong! Itu bayangan belaka. Kata siapa diluar itu indah?Diluar itu dunia, dunia itu semua. Dunia memiliki banyak macam cara untuk menampakkan keindahan. Keindahan . Kata siapa cinta mecerminkan keindahan? Memang keindahan itu apa sebenarnya? Kalau cuma mahu merasakan keindahan, jangan dibawa-bawa nama cinta itu! Kerana cinta itu lapang, dia berjiwa besar dalam menghadapi realiti. Cinta bukan meminta, tapi memberi sebelum ada yang mengharap. Lalu bagaimana dengan realiti kehidupan? Bahawa hidup untuk makan? Untuk duit dan harta? Memang begitu, makanya hidup bukan hanya untuk memikirkan cinta. Cinta untuk dipuja, diletakkan ditempat yang teratas. Fikirkan hal-hal lain selain cinta, tapi dengan hati terbuka dan bersih . Ternyata cinta akan datang dengan sendirinya. Kerana ia itu pada dasarnya putih, bersih, suci, cantik,dan tidak berdebu dan jarang ternoda. Cinta yang sebenarnya, yang sejati itu, akan datang mengetuk pintu, mungkin membawa setangkai mawar dan sejemput senyuman. Banyak pemberian yang sukar terduga yang dapat cinta berikan. dan ia tidak akan pergi ketika pintu dibuka.
Kerana ia tulus.
Barulah disitu akan terlihat suatu keindahan yang hakiki.
Thursday, February 17, 2005
Yesterday it was hot and dry. Yesterday evening it rained. Went to KLCC and browse thru some of the new comic tradepaperbacks.Thin wet raindrops that settled on the slush and rendered roads traffics almost impassable. This morning received an SMS from my workmate telling me to bucked up or else. I guess sleeping on that extra minutes really result in a very unpleasant day.So, heres what I learn thus far :
a) sleep early, but it doesn’t guarantee you an early rise b) this morning was a minor disaster, not a cause for celebration, as I was late more than once before c) get myself together and exchange thoughts when it REALLY matters.
I went off to my office workspace to write and missed all the excitement of what seemed to be an expected wonderful Thursday. I hatched plots to free myself, most of which seem to have involved the internet, sharing witty jokes with Gayour, comic books as usual and attempting to walk around Karangkraf with no plausible reason. Luckily, they knew I was upbeat when things weren’t going well for me.
Nothing exciting going on this past few weeks, all of my time and brain is going into typing up from my notes and tidying up my working life. Almost no time for emotion and pleasure. I'm now just past the rather messy middle bit of it, and into the rather smoother turn ( whatever that means ). Life's quiet too --- the most glamorous thing I did recently was attending an eye-to-eye talk over teh tarik last weekend with my creative director about a possible short movie project. The best bit of which was telling him about my previous vision of being a indie-film maker and dreaming of it constantly.
I've tried to cut down on the things I put up soliciting help for things, mostly because each one I put up prompts a flood of other people who are sure that I ought to advice something for them. But this one's for another time I guess.
Monday, February 14, 2005
Here we are at another Smallville season finale. And this was another nail biter, but we are getting used to that from this phenomenal series, but don't get me started on this again. I am here to give you my review of the entire ‘Smallville’ storyline, so I will leave my opinions of the ‘comic book factor’ out of it.
So, the episode :
A girl claiming to be "Kara" from Krypton wants to bring Clark home. The Kents learn about the deal Jonathan made with Jor-El. The Sullivans and Clark testify against Lionel, and Clark finally learns the secret of Lex's secret room. As the episode ends, it appears Chloe's gone boom, Clark's been sucked into the cave wall, Lex appears poisoned, Jonathan looks dead, and the Kent Farm is on fire...
My favourite part of that episode :
Finally, we see Clark, in a misty looking place his hair blowing and he is naked and appears to be shivering. He too is in the feral position and Jor-el says, "Kal-el, my son. You will be reborn." As the camera pans out, Clark is laying in an "S" formation inside the shield. What a use of imagery …
Well, we are left wondering did Lana get on the plane? Is Lex going to survive being poisoned? Did Chloe die in the explosion? Is Jonathan OK? What will happen to Martha? And where exactly is Clark? All these questions I hope will be answered when Season 4 starts (and I know what happened next but I aint telling).I am going give this a 10 out of 10. I thought the imagery in this episode was fantastic and I felt the acting was superb. These characters and the actors and actresses potraying them just keep getting better and better. The plot line had many twists and I thought they left all of them hanging which is just wonderful because that is the basis of a good cliffhanger. ( … FYI : some of the production crew came from this cult hit series called “The X-Files” )
One note, Does anyone noticed that whenever Jor-El wants Clark to come to him he will give him some predictions of things that will happen before he gets him and they always do? We thought this was odd. Just one of Jor-El teaching tools, I suppose. I am into torturous cliffhangers myself but I have to say that this wait is killing me. I am not sure I can make it for the next few months on TV3 but I have no choice here.
So, on with the story so far … my entire Smallville season review.
Before the legend, before the icon, there was a teenager named Clark Kent. Clark doesn't wear glasses, there's no suit and he can't fly (well, not yet). Between the boy he thought he was and the man he is destined to become are the stories of Smallville. Someday, he'll master his powers and understand his true calling. Now beginning its fourth season on Malaysian soil, this new interpretation of the enduring Superman mythology and its classic characters blends realism and adventure into an exciting action series.
Twelve years ago, a meteor shower burst from the heavens, raining destruction on the unsuspecting citizens of Smallville, Kansas. The intervening years have left the town's inhabitants with scars and secrets.From the ashes of tragedy, Clark Kent has grown into an awkward teen. While adolescence always brings its challenges, Clark's transition from boyhood to adulthood has been particularly difficult. He must struggle to come to grips with his emerging superpowers - and the effects of kryptonite - while battling the strange things that have plagued this idyllic Midwest hamlet since the meteor shower. As Clark grows older, he finds his life becomes even more complicated. He will discover an unsettling new power, and a new form of kryptonite will bring about frightening effects on his personality. In a surprising twist, the secret of Clark's true identity will be revealed to one of his closest friends. The guardians of Clark's secret identity are his adoptive parents, Jonathan and Martha Kent. In the aftermath of the meteor shower, they discovered his crashed spacecraft in a cornfield and took him in as their own. As a result, he often feels truly alone in the world, like an outsider looking in. Even his best friends, Pete Ross and Chloe Sullivan, have been kept in the dark. Lana Lang is the untouchable girl next door; the girl Clark worships from afar. Although she feels a strange kinship to Clark, Lana grew up not knowing that he blames himself for her parents' tragic death in the meteor shower so many years ago. A true beauty and one of the most popular girls in school, Lana's fascination with Clark is slowly turning into suspicion, especially since he continues to avoid her questions about how he was able to save her from the tornado. Clark has forged a remarkable friendship with Lex Luthor, though neither has an inkling of how their destinies will ultimately collide. Inexplicably bald from exposure to the meteor shower when he was a child, Lex returned to Smallville after college to help turn around the family company's struggling fertilizer plant. After Clark saved Lex's life in a death-defying rescue, the two became friends. Clark looks up to Lex as the big brother he never had, and Lex is surprised that this small-town boy is someone he can actually trust. The ill-fated friendship continues to cause tension in the close-knit Kent family, as Jonathan fears Lex may take after his ruthless tycoon father, Lionel Luthor, who is about to take on an important new role in Lex's life.
Clark's search for the truth about his past and future left him with more questions than answers. He discovered his powerful ability to use heat vision, then a new form of kryptonite brought about frightening effects on his personality. In a surprising twist, the secret of Clark's true identity was revealed to his best friend Pete. In the middle of the season, Clark's feeling of isolation was eased by the joyful news that Jonathan and Martha were at last expecting a baby of their own. Clark's happiness turned to pain and guilt, however, when his destruction of the spacecraft set off a violent chain reaction that not only destroyed his parents' farm, it also caused Martha to lose the baby. In season's finale, Clark's life was forever changed by his first encounter with the spirit of the man who sent him away from the planet Krypton to save his life, his real father, Jor-El. At first, Clark was determined to defy Jor-El's message that he must leave Smallville in order to fulfill his destiny, but his guilt over the death of his unborn sibling and the devastation he caused finally sent Clark away from the only home he has ever known to start a new life alone in Metropolis. Tortured by the separation from everyone he loves, especially Lana Lang, Clark buries his pain in red kryptonite, the dangerous and powerful substance that alters his personality so that he uses his powers for evil rather than good. Even more shocking, Clark's adoptive father, Jonathan is granted temporary powers of his own when he makes a deal with Jor-El to bring Clark back to Smallville.
Season Three and beyond ...
In this season's finale, Clark was enticed by a Kryptonian girl, Kara, who had been sent to bring him home. After being pulled violently into the cave wall, Clark was trapped in a phantom zone. As Season Four begins, Clark seems to have resurfaced in Smallville, but is it really Clark or his alter ego, the emotionless Kryptonian Kal-El? Breaking the show's long-standing rule, "No Flights, No Tights," Clark/Kal-El will soar up into the sky for the very first time. Continuing the tradition of introducing well-known characters from the Superman mythology, Clark will also encounter one of his future team mate in the infamous Justice League (guess!guess!).
Clark's world is turned upside-down as another landmark moment happens in season 4 : The introduction of a very prominent character in the Superman mythology. Expect the unexpected, when the 'character' quick wit and dazzling beauty catch Clark totally off-guard. While someday 'she' and Clark will be the perfect match - as teenagers, they are oil and water, much in the same way Smallville has successfully surprised everyone by making Lex and Clark - future arch-enemies - the best of friends. Clark and 'her' are forced to work together as they seek out the true fate of 'her' cousin Chloe Sullivan who died tragically in season 3 startling season finale. The guardians of Clark's secret identity have always been his adoptive parents, Jonathan and Martha Kent . In the aftermath of the meteor shower, they discovered his crashed spacecraft in a cornfield and took him in as their own. This season, Jonathan put his life on the line for his deal with Clark's real father, Jor-El, and now has to pay the consequences. Jonathan will also struggle with the idea that Clark is becoming more independent every day and no longer needs him the way he used to. For Martha, the months of uncertainty with Jonathan in the hospital and Clark trapped in the phantom zone, only served to strengthen her character. While Jonathan has the farm and Clark is busy with high school, Martha will look for a passion of her own. The knowledge that his life is out of control forced Clark to keep the girl he loves, Lana Lang at arm's length. Lana finally escaped to Paris, where she met a handsome 'stranger' and soon fell in love.
However, mysterious events draw her back to Smallville, and she arrives in her hometown with a newfound confidence and a sophisticated new look. Unable to be separated from Lana, a 'stranger' follows her from Paris to Smallville. When he takes a job as assistant coach of the football team, the 'stranger' and Lana will have to keep their relationship a secret from everyone - and, in particular, Clark. Over the years, Clark has forged a remarkable relationship with Lex Luthor though neither has an inkling of how their destinies will ultimately collide. Lex came to believe he was poisoned and left for dead by this father, Lionel Luthor. Lex used all his power to put his father behind bars, and now he is determined to make sure that his father suffers and rots in prison while he takes over as head of LuthorCorp. Despite Clark's current distrust in him, Lex is eager to make amends and regain Clark's friendship. Even so, Lex is steadily continuing on the path from good to evil. By now, Lionel has come to share Lex's obsession with Clark Kent and both father and son will carry on their relentless pursuit to discover the truth about Clark. Lionel will do whatever it takes to get out of prison and exact revenge on those who put him there, especially his own son. Lionel's vast power makes it possible for him to operate from the inside until he is released.
And that was ALL just the beginning ...
It must have been love but it’s over now, it’s where the water flows, it’s where the wind blows.
Time does not mend a broken heart but rather helps it regain strength.Is it worth thinking about it when there is no meaning? Some people think that if you are 'lost', you somehow go onto a better place, others think and spend an eternity in emptiness, but what's the point of thinking you are going anywhere but back to the beginning. It doesn't do much good to dwell on dreams, and forget to live. I don’t want to talk about it, I just want to let it slip, nothings right and nothings wrong , it’s just my days are getting long.
... stay with love and forever love it will be.
Saturday, February 12, 2005
Boulevard of broken dreams… ( that’s my exit allright. )
I walk a lonely road.The only one that I have ever known.Don't know where it goes but it's home to me and I walk alone.I walk this empty street on the Boulevard of broken dreams.Where the city sleeps and I'm the only one and I walk alone.
My shadow's the only one that walks beside me.My shallow heart's the only thing that's beating.Sometimes I wish someone out there will find me until then I walk alone.I'm walking down the line that divides me somewhere in my mind on the border line of the edge and where I walk alone.Read between the lines; What's is up and everything's alright.Check my vital signs to know I'm still alive … and I walk alone.
Monday, February 07, 2005
"You get what anyone gets - you get a lifetime"
Have you ever been in love? Strange isn't it? It makes you so vulnerable. It opens your chest and it opens up your heart and it means that someone can get inside you and mess you up in a very good way. You build up all these defences, you build up a whole suit of armor, so that nothing can hurt you, then a stranger, no different from any other person, wanders into your stupid life...You give them a piece of you. They didn't ask for it. They did something dumb one day, like look at you or smile at you, and then your life isn't your own anymore. Love takes hostages. It gets inside you. It eats you out and leaves you crying in the darkness, so simple a phrase like 'maybe we should be just friends' turns into a glass splinter working its way into your heart. It hurts. Not just in the imagination. Not just in the mind. It's a soul-hurt, a real gets-inside-you-and-rips-you-apart pain. I hate not understanding what love is.
Heard voices in my head last night :
Life is a disease, mentally and physically transmitted and fatal. When ‘we’ hold each other, in the darkness, it doesn't make the darkness go away. The bad things are still out there. The nightmares still walking. When ‘we’ hold each other ‘we’ feel not safe, but better.It's all right; ‘we’ whisper, 'I'm here, I guard you.' and ‘we’ lie: 'I'll never leave you.' For just a moment or two the darkness doesn't seem so bad.
Sometimes I suspect that we build our traps ourselves, then we back into them, pretending amazment the while. Charitably I think sometimes, perhaps , one must change or die. And, in the end, there were, perhaps limits to how much I could let myself change. But people did not understand the price. Mortals never do. They only see the prize.Their heart's desire, their dream ... but the price of getting what you want is getting what you once wanted. Things need not have happened to be true. Tales and dreams are the shadow-truths that will endure when mere facts are dust and ashes, and forgot.
The truth is rarely pure and never simple.
Truth is eternal. Knowledge is changeable. It is disastrous to confuse them. There is a tragic clash between Truth and the world we live in. Pure undistorted truth burns up the world.
Truth and love are the my law and devotion; form and conscience my manifestation and guide; nature and peace are my shelter and companion. Order is my attitude; beauty and perfection are my attack.
Friday, February 04, 2005
Tatkala kita mendadak lahir, hadir disini. Tempat yang terasa aneh, keganjilan tak henti menyergap. Orang-orang bercerita ehwal hati; perkakas tubuh yang kuasa menampung segala-gala. Hari ini udara begitu menyengat, angin di simpang jalan yang aku lalui seolah berlumba menjelma daki. Adakah kita boleh sejenak merenung kekonyolan yang nyaris menerkam. ‘Mereka’ dikagumi kerana sesuatu yang tak hadir dari kesia-siaan, pencapaian mereka justru kerana tidak gentar menderita. Sejenak saja, aku minta dari perkakas tubuh : Hati, fahami angin ... jangan dengan menatap angin, fahami saja dengan rasa. Kalau memang kita mesti terkapar, biarkan terkapar, kerana terkapar tak selalu setali dengan takluk.
di bawah langit yang sama
kita melangkah dengan kaki
yang mulai lemah.
sepertinya pengembaraan kita
terlalu jauh dan sarat
yang tak pernah tuntas
untuk kita wujudkan.
atau mungkin kita memang
tidak pernah tahu di batas
cakerawala mana pengembaraan
ini akan kita padakan.
sementara bendera-bendera yang
kita kibarkan semakin kusut
dan tak kuasa lagi bertahan
semakin akrab pada kobaran api
yang kita nyalakan.
di bawah langit yang sama mungkin
kita tidak pernah tahu tentang
apa yang kita dambakan.
Wednesday, February 02, 2005
Aku sudah lama tak mendengar khabarmu. Padahal kau pandang bulan yang sama dengan yang kupandang. Pada jalan yang kususuri pun masih terpeta jejak langkahmu ketika kau menapaknya. Tapi angin tak pernah menghantarkan percikan dirimu ke pelukanku. Mungkin hanya sesekali kau muncul dalam selimut jeratan mimpiku. Dan aku tak pernah tahu apakah aku pernah terbang mengunjungi kabut mimpimu.
Apa yang sedang kau lakukan sekarang? Sungguh, aku benar-benar tak tahu. Aku kehilangan jejak langkahmu sejak kau letakkan kaca pemisah buram di antara kita. Bahkan memandang dari balik kaca untuk mengintip bayang dirimu pun aku tak bisa. Kabut pedih yang melingkupi terlalu tebal. Hanya gegap seri berdenyut yang kudapat.
Siapakah sekarang yang merajut titisan waktu bersamamu? Untaian masa kita terburai sudah. Hanya tertinggal serpihan-serpihan jiwa yang terserak. Terbelenggu dalam hening yang menyiksa.
Tapi aku rindu.
Bodohkah aku jika masih saja mengalamatkan rindu padamu? Saat tak ada lagi detik yang kau lewatkan untuk mengingatku. Saat tak ada lagi sisa diriku yang terpatri dalam hidupmu. Cabikan kenangan tentangku telah terburai. Bahkan hanya sekadar namaku pun kau lupakan.
Hanya hening yang kau tawarkan padaku. Tanpa imbalan apapun. Kau lontarkan hening ketika kupersembahkan rinduku. Hening yang terus meraja. Hening yang lahir dari benci. Rinduku terbentur hening. Tapi aku masih tetap merindumu. Kurengkuh hening ketika kumerindumu.
Sudahlah. Tak peduli aku berteriak sekuat tenaga kau tak akan mendengarku. Kau lebih memilih hening untuk menggantikan jerit hatiku. Hening yang memilukan. Hening yang hanya hantarkan cakap rindu kekasih seperti aku. Semoga kau baik-baik saja di seberang hening yang memisahkan kita.
Lebih seratus hari aku terjebak dalam keterasingan yang memaksaku melupakan huruf-huruf itu. CINTA yang dulu selalu menemaniku di setiap tarikan nafas dan detak jantung. Mencumbuiku setiap malam dan menamparku kala terdiam. Ternyata kesendirian hanya menjadikanku patung berlumut yang terendam di sungai-sungai yang mengalirkan mimpi. Dan aku hanya menikmati mimpi-mimpi yang tak pasti. Tapi aku akan kembali melangkahkan kaki ke dunia yang telah porak-peranda. Merakit bom waktu yang setiap saat meluluh-lantakkan tubuhku. Menjadikan dagingku berserakan dengan jantung yang berkeping-keping. Ternyata kematian dan kehidupan tidak berjarak. Kini aku kembali menjadi manusia bebas --- untuk mencintai huruf-huruf itu. Lalu meledakkannya di setiap ruang imaginasiku.
p/s : hari-hari berlalu tanpa imaginasi.heh!